** This post comes with warning! It may be a bit of a pity party, I realize that, but it is something that I need to get out and have thought about for a long time. Please don't get offended, that is not my intention!**
Beginning here in Connecticut has been a blessing for our family, but has been quite lonely and long for me. I have Jeff, but he works ALL DAY and then comes home late and crashes. To say the least, I have felt very alone. I am not complaining, it has been good for me, but has left me thinking a lot.
Yesterday we had dinner with Jeff's boss and his wife (who live next to us and are very nice people!) They are leaving for Seattle in a couple of weeks to visit with their families. Jeff asked if they visit any friends while they are there and the wife said that she loved going home to visit friends (and family of course). But the friends part is what stuck out to me. Jeff comes home to visit his friends just as much as his family. I was thinking last night that I don't really have friends to visit when I go home (or when I am home). I am not very good at keeping in contact with people, and I am very sorry! That is completely my fault and I realize that. I feel that when I am friends with someone I give it my all and I am a very good friend, but once something happens that changes things in our relationship I am not very good at sticking it out.
I am going to admit something that is very personal and sensitive, but I am NOT looking for sympathy. This is just something I need to talk about. I had a VERY hard time with all my friends getting married and I was single. I went through something nasty and scary about 4 years ago (about the same time all my friends were getting married) with an ex-boyfriend (if I can even call him a boyfriend). I also lost a lot of people who I thought were life-long friends, but ended up stabbing me in the back in the end. I felt very alone and scared. I had my family and everything, but sometimes you need someone your own age to help you deal. I lost trust in people and became bitter without really knowing it. Anyway, I think I became very bitter towards those people who got married and I felt left me to fend for myself. (Again, please don't anyone get offended!) I am sorry! I sincerely apologize to those who noticed me pulling away and not being kind and loyal as I normally am.
I am now married to my best friend who makes me so happy and has helped me trust people again, but I am ashamed for the way I acted when my friends got married/started having kids. I know things happen for a reason, and I would not be who I am today without my life experiences and my previous friendships, but I really would like to rekindle some old friendships!
(My "best friend" and me when we first met back in 2006... can you believe it has been 6 years?)
So anyway, I am going to try and be a better friend! That is the point of my post. I have decided that from now on I am going to be a better friend and be there for those who want me in their lives!
Mooooooove back! Let's be friends. :) Josh has even mentioned before that he'd like to hang out with you guys more and you KNOW that's a big deal, because he doesn't "do" friends too well. ;) But seriously, when you guys get back, we will have a party.
ReplyDeleteYAY! That sounds great. I am sad I am going to miss all those fun roommate showers this summer!
ReplyDeleteI want to be your friend and have you in my life!!! :) We miss you!
ReplyDeleteHello, remember me? The Queen of not staying in contact? If I had a dollar for every time in the last year that I thought, "We should call Ashy and Jers," then...I would have a lot of dollars.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm totally the same way. And I'm sorry. But I've been trying to do better! So, maybe between the two of us, when you get home we could make it happen? I have some great shopping / yard sale-ing for furniture that I would like your help with, and I would love to help you get things ready for your new class!
Miss you. Love you.
Ashy! I am with Estee on this one! I haven't don't very good at keeping in contact with you. Especially during that whole ordeal. But I hope you know that I love you lots and I think about you a lot and how I should call you or something. I know I flaked out on you guys when we were down south last time but the next time we're in you're area we need to play! I love your guts and I hope that you have fun in Connecticut and you can always call me. Anytime, because we're like 4 hours behind you!
ReplyDeleteMiss you!
Ashy,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. That was a very hard time for me as well. I too lost friends that I thought would be in my life forever. I can not tell you how many tears I have cried wishing that you and Estee were still part of my life. I still don't even really know what happened. The past is the past...But by any chance when you said, "I would not be who I am today without my life experiences and my previous friendships, but I really would like to rekindle some old friendships!" you were reffering to me. I would absolutely love that. feel free to call, text, or email me.
(801)717-6464 heatherleemcewan@gmail.com